It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
