you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
