nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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