i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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