all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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