I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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