I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
