I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was confusing and full of hummus
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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