evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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