I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
