i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He passed out mid-signature
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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