he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.