talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
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he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he fucked my hip out of place.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.