last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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