im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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