Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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