What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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