On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
