So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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