my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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