She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
