i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you traded sex for a burrito?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
