I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.