How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
