oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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