Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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