this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
