She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
