Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
birth control should be required to get into college
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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