you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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