Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
