I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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