I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
