dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
