i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
