Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There's always time for handjobs
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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