Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
