i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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