awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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