i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
