uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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