You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
