you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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