I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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