Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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