I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
