my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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