dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
