if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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