I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
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Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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