when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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