True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
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we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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