at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
