No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
