I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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