Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
